Like most people, I feel I have had my fair share of coming across unkind people. Individuals that want to tear you down. It is inevitable - not everyone will like you and some people choose to consciously make or try and make others feel small. Over the years, I have found different ways of approaching and dealing with it and I am going to share what has helped me the most. This post is in relation to my previous post on bullying and are some of the things I incorporated into my life to deal with it better.
Bullying is something I realised I've experienced, but haven’t spoken about on here. I wanted to create a post with hope that maybe it can help someone else, can be relatable or start a conversation about it. I hope for those of you that can relate, that this brings comfort to you and reminds you that you are not alone in your experience.
I’m definitely guilty of being one of those people who feel like they constantly have to be doing something. I have to be working towards something and doing nothing usually makes me feel guilty - guilty that I should be doing more or working towards something.
I have a lot of time to think and reflect recently. That has made me much more aware of my inner dialogue. It has also made me aware of some thoughts I sometimes catch myself having that I need to change. This is not an exhaustive list- these are just some of the things that I have found I have told myself (over the years and generally) and isn't helpful. Some I have already changed my outlook to- others are still a working progress.
Helping others and looking after yourself can be a very fine balance. It can be very easy to get caught up in someone else's battle so much that you neglect how you feel and forget that it has become part of your own. So I'm writing this based on my own experience hoping it might help someone else. Of course, this depends on just how much the person you are helping is struggling and can vary depending on the seriousness of the situation.
Feeling like you aren't making the most of life? I have had this feeling recently, especially where I have had lots happening, which has meant that I have felt I can't make the most of everything. This has surprisingly come almost with a feeling of guilt so I am here to rationalise it. Hopefully, it will be helpful to someone else that may have had or is going through a similar experience.
There are times when it is obvious that someone is trying to control you. Other times, it is more subtle. It can be disguised as someone being “nice” or just “trying to be kind”. It is so easy in these circumstances to feel guilty and feel like you are falling down a rabbit hole, but can’t stop it. I am going to specifically focus on the more subtle way of manipulation - where it is disguised as “kindness”.
One of the feelings I have typically found the hardest to cope with are those of guilt. When you feel awful you have hurt someone (unintentionally) or made a bad decision. But, over the years I have learnt to better cope with it and accept the fact that we all make mistakes.
Just because life is sometimes not so glamorous. It is adapted a little from a letter I wrote to myself. Couldn't post at the time because it was too recent, but it's here now with the hope that it might provide some comfort to someone who needs it.
It is so easy to bottle everything up and not share something. Because it can be so much easier to answer I'm fine when asked how you are doing rather than actually explain why you might not feel so good. I've been there and I am sure others have too - where you don't want to explain how you feel because opening up can be scary and you are not quite sure how people will take it. However, if there is something I have learnt from life, it is that sharing how you feel and your problems is so important and if this can encourage or help one person open up then I'll be happy. Below I try and tackle the obstacles that can make you feel nervous about talking to others when life is a little difficult and the reasons why you can still share how you feel and why it is so essential.
Being present and able to take things in is so valuable. But, in a world with social media and technology, it has become so easy to be there physically, but not mentally. Below are some things I like to do to ground myself a little and make sure I’m living a real life- to make sure I am 'living in the moment'.
I have often thought about how skilled someone is or clever someone is, and recently thought about how a lot of the time it can be really easy to get carried away thinking how amazing other people are and forget how incredible you are too - that you are valued. So this post is on recognising your worth too.
Feeling like an emotional sponge - I have been there too. Where it feels like you're always listening to others problems so much, you're engulfed by them. Almost like other's problems have become another problem to add to your own. I am writing this as a little self-care reminder, for myself and for anyone who needs to hear it. Because it can be really easy to get dragged into other people's issues when you are just trying to be a good friend and not even realise just how much of an impact those people and your surroundings are having on you. It can be hard to distinguish when it is important for you step away and when you need to be there for someone because they require support.
I think it's fair to say we all go through those moments where we feel we are all over the place and don’t feel like we have anything in control. With this, rather than how much control you have over the situation, it is much more about how you feel about the situation. A lot of feeling like you are a mess is how you perceive yourself and your surroundings - or that is what I have found anyway. Here are some of the things that have helped me feel a little bit more put together when I really was not feeling it.
I like to think I’m a person that doesn’t care what other people think and isn’t affected by it - whilst I have definitely got better with time at not focussing on what other people think, I can’t say I'm immune to what others say. I have underestimated before the impact that side comments can have over time. At first, you can shake them off, but if you hear them enough times you do begin to believe it. Realising that is what has led me to notice how important your surroundings are and just how much of an impact they can have on you. Here is what I have done or found works to keep your environment positive and "protect your energy and vibe".
We all have those moments. Sometimes we just feel down and we can't explain it. We have an empty feeling we just can't shake off or seem to feel miserable for no particular reason. It happens to the best of us. Below are some things that have helped me when I'm feeling down.
How writing letters to myself has helped me
We are all always so busy - or feel the need to have things to do all that time that sometimes we neglect ourselves. We can get so caught up in helping others, giving ourselves to work, friends, family that we can forget to look after ourselves. Here are some of my fav things to do to reconnect with myself and sometimes just take that step back we very much need.
Comparison - something that can be so hurtful to yourself and almost inevitable. It usually entails looking up to someone who is supposedly doing a lot better than you and feeling less worthy because you have not achieved the same. I think most people do this even if subconsciously at some point (in my case and many others it is not done purposefully).
This year, as one of the most academically demanding years I have experienced so far, with that bringing stressful situations, I have had to come up with ways to manage that stress (so as not to completely go insane). That isn't to say that I will not have more stressful years (inevitably as I go through the education system it gets harder, more workload and more stressful, but these are a few things that I used and helped this year). I am not a psychiatrist, therapist, psychologist or specialist of any kind- these are methods that helped me and hopefully they can help you too. If stress becomes unmanageable, remember there is always help available and there is absolutely no shame in seeking it.