Since graduating, I have had a lot more free time on my hands and a lot more time to reflect on my experiences. Having finished my degree, I no longer have a clear structure and everything is up to me. This has led to a natural pause after being involved in a lot over the last year. I have been reliving memories by looking at photos in my camera roll and playing back videos. I came across the clips that I took during the lockdown as some sort of video diary of what it was like.
Over the last few months, I have realised that I have felt invalidated in various ways. So much so that at points I completely stopped even considering how I feel. Sometimes when I have felt invalidated it is due to other people's actions (ignoring how I may feel or completely disregarding it) and sometimes my own choices (such as not considering how I am in given moments). Or a combination of both. However, regardless of whatever invalidation you have faced, what you have to say matters. What you experience is real and no one is in a position to tell you what your lived experience is.
I’d never had therapy before this year. In hindsight, therapy is something 14-year-old me should have done. But, I was too embarrassed about it and the thought of asking for help filled me with absolute dread. So I always pretended to feel okay when I wasn't and managed to avoid ever going. I was able to get out of the difficult period by myself, but I know I could have done with some support. Fast forward to now, and I no longer feel embarrassed about the prospect of going to therapy or being in therapy, but taking the steps were still daunting. I am writing this post to reassure someone who is nervous about seeking therapy, remind you that you are not alone and normalise being in therapy; therapy is no different to going to the doctor when you feel physically ill.
How many times have you automatically answered "I am okay" to the question how are you? Without even thinking. Without properly taking a moment to pause and question whether you really feel okay. Or openly admitting that recently you may not have been feeling yourself. It has always been obvious to me that we avoid talking about mental health and difficult conversations as to how we really feel, but I suppose never as much as now. Coronavirus has isolated us a lot and made it so much easier to lie, especially because a lot of our communication is now through a screen. It is so easy to type the words "I am fine" on your phone whilst actually crying your eyes out.
Sometimes we keep going mindlessly. So much to the point where it all becomes monotonous and we are not sure why we started in the first place. We forget our why and what the original goal of everything was. That happened to me recently. I was just getting things done for the sake of getting them done - I did not see the point, it was just something that needed doing. The original spark or motivation I once had was gone and so I needed a reset. A way to start fresh.
It is Valentine's day today. I have seen a fair amount of posts surrounding Valentine's day and the typical how to find the perfect gifts etc. But before you can be happy in any relationship, you have to know how to love yourself. That is why I wanted to talk a little bit about self-love this Valentine's day. It feels somewhat cringey and unoriginal talking about this, but I think it is an important one.
As we are trapped in another lockdown and coronavirus seems to be dragging on for what feels like forever, it can be easy to feel like you are missing out. I know the thought definitely sometimes comes to mind for me. I sometimes can't help but feel like I am missing out on a university experience and being young at the moment - living life to the fullest as such. It is okay to feel sad about lost experiences, and only natural. However, if this is your only focus, it can get you into a rut and thinking about it like this constantly is not a good way to look at it.
I turn 20 today - it does not seem real and although it is my birthday, it doesn't quite feel like it. I used to think that turning 20 was a lot, and even though it really isn't old, it feels old to me. It really goes to show how everything is all about perspective because, in the grand scheme of things, I am still very young.
With the announcement of a second lockdown in many countries, it is safe to say that there are a lot of things going through everyone’s minds. At the moment, it is so easy to get caught up in everything and feel like we’re constantly on go - constantly worrying. That everything is just too fast and we can’t keep up. Lockdown is challenging enough and we are all in different circumstances fighting our own battles. Switching off can be difficult and somehow I still feel the same amount of pressure to carry on as if everything is normal when it really isn’t.
Bullet journaling was admittedly something I first heard about through the internet, especially when it became more of a craze and popular thing. I had no idea what it was beforehand. For those who may not be aware, bullet journaling is a method of personal organisation contained all in one notebook and something you can put as much or as little effort into as you like. It is a way of organising everything in your life - that can be from books you want to read, to deadlines. I was initially unsure whether it was something I could incorporate into my life. One Google of bullet journals will show you works of art and very intricate designs. It can be quite daunting and seem very impractical as you often get very pretty and time-consuming spreads. In the last year or so, however, it has become one of my favourite ways of organising myself. I have loved how adaptable and useful it has become for me and I wanted to share why I think this is something anyone can incorporate into their lifestyle - how it can allow you to feel more put together.
I’m always on the lookout for signs that I need to take a break or pause. Spotting the warning signs early on can be so beneficial and avoid burnout or feeling very overwhelmed afterwards. Over the years, these are the signs I’ve spotted in my case that indicate that things are not okay, or at least not the way they should be and I need to take time for myself. Signs will look slightly different for everyone, but if you resonate with any of these, first of all, I am sending you virtual hugs and secondly, please take time to look after yourself. You matter - don’t be afraid to reach out if you need support.
Social media is a powerful tool. It is a pretty big part of blogging for me as it allows me to share my work with more people. Connect with others. I do think social media can be used positively. Used positively, social media can contribute to good vibes and be uplifting. However, I have always had a love-hate relationship with it because whilst it can be used positively, it is really easy to fall down a rabbit hole and suddenly, it is not so good for mental health.
My blogging journey started sharing my photography. I found I had various photos which I wanted to share, but did not necessarily fit on my personal Instagram or on other social media. I wanted a place to be able share my love for photography with everyone, as well as experiment with my camera- that is how Esterella’s Photos came about. Yet, I realise that on this blog, I have not promoted my photography all that much. I am not sure if that is because I have always seen my photography as a hobby and I am not professional photographer. However, I do photograph a lot of moments, whether that be on my phone or camera. Anything I see that I think looks pretty will end up on my camera roll. Since how I got into blogging was through wanting to share those photos that capture the beauty in nature and in the ordinary, it is only right, there is at least one blog post about my photography journey.
I have written about friendships, and being okay by yourself, but realise I have never touched being single and happy. Over the last year, I’ve thought a fair amount about being single. Something about moving to university with the pressure and expectation that I am meant to find the love of my life at this point in my life has me thinking a lot about relationships.
Feeling lonely is hard and isolating. The problem is we don’t talk about loneliness enough and that leads us to feel even more lonely when we experience it. I’m documenting my experience with loneliness in the hope that it’ll help someone and so you know if you feel lonely at the moment, that you’re not the only one.
I know helping someone struggling with their mental health can be incredibly difficult and put you under a lot of pressure. When I first became a carer, I felt very alone and by myself in all of it. I wish I would have come across a post like this. The advice I am giving here is based on my own personal experience helping others because I know how hard it can be. This is the advice I wish I had been given, but not a replacement for professional help. I hope someone else will find it useful, but please do not treat this as the only way to approach the situation.