The first time I think I heard about anxiety was in secondary school and I did not really understand what it meant. I did not really understand the difference between struggling with anxiety and simply feeling nervous and to me they seemed like the same thing. I never really gave it any real thought because I never thought it was something I needed to think about and there were so many misconceptions around it anyway that I simply ignored it.

 

I’d never had therapy before this year. In hindsight, therapy is something 14-year-old me should have done. But, I was too embarrassed about it and the thought of asking for help filled me with absolute dread. So I always pretended to feel okay when I wasn't and managed to avoid ever going. I was able to get out of the difficult period by myself, but I know I could have done with some support. Fast forward to now, and I no longer feel embarrassed about the prospect of going to therapy or being in therapy, but taking the steps were still daunting. I am writing this post to reassure someone who is nervous about seeking therapy, remind you that you are not alone and normalise being in therapy; therapy is no different to going to the doctor when you feel physically ill.

How many times have you automatically answered "I am okay" to the question how are you? Without even thinking. Without properly taking a moment to pause and question whether you really feel okay. Or openly admitting that recently you may not have been feeling yourself. It has always been obvious to me that we avoid talking about mental health and difficult conversations as to how we really feel, but I suppose never as much as now. Coronavirus has isolated us a lot and made it so much easier to lie, especially because a lot of our communication is now through a screen. It is so easy to type the words "I am fine" on your phone whilst actually crying your eyes out.

As we are trapped in another lockdown and coronavirus seems to be dragging on for what feels like forever, it can be easy to feel like you are missing out. I know the thought definitely sometimes comes to mind for me. I sometimes can't help but feel like I am missing out on a university experience and being young at the moment - living life to the fullest as such. It is okay to feel sad about lost experiences, and only natural.  However, if this is your only focus, it can get you into a rut and thinking about it like this constantly is not a good way to look at it. 

I have been carrying a lot of stress and baggage for a long time. 2020 has been an incredibly difficult year and it definitely is not getting any easier. I reached a breaking point yesterday. It resulted in a meltdown and some wake up calls that I wanted to share.

I know helping someone struggling with their mental health can be incredibly difficult and put you under a lot of pressure. When I first became a carer, I felt very alone and by myself in all of it. I wish I would have come across a post like this.  The advice I am giving here is based on my own personal experience helping others because I know how hard it can be. This is the advice I wish I had been given, but not a replacement for professional help. I hope someone else will find it useful, but please do not treat this as the only way to approach the situation. 

I’m definitely guilty of being one of those people who feel like they constantly have to be doing something. I have to be working towards something and doing nothing usually makes me feel guilty - guilty that I should be doing more or working towards something. 

There are times when it is obvious that someone is trying to control you. Other times, it is more subtle. It can be disguised as someone being “nice” or just “trying to be kind”. It is so easy in these circumstances to feel guilty and feel like you are falling down a rabbit hole, but can’t stop it. I am going to specifically focus on the more subtle way of manipulation - where it is disguised as “kindness”.