Esterella: 2020

It is no secret from my blog that 2020 was an incredibly difficult year for me. With the start of a new year and 2021 coming up, in my current circumstances, the idea of a fresh start rings truer than it has ever done before. I am not a fan of the whole new year, new you because I don’t believe that a new year necessarily means drastic change - I believe in taking things step by step rather than expecting a transformation out of the blue. But, the opportunity to start fresh (especially around new year) has always appealed to me and even more so this year.

2020 was nothing like I think anyone imagined it would be in so many ways. Generally on the internet as a new decade, it was hyped to be such an incredible year. Instead, this has potentially felt like the longest year ever, being difficult from the very start in January to December, and one of the hardest years, if not the hardest year of my life. As a year that put me through a lot and for the most part seemed to be playing games with my mental health to see how far it could push it, I have learnt a lot. From recognising my limits, learning to reach out more for help and that I am so much stronger mentally than I ever gave myself credit for, 2020 is definitely not a year I ever want to have to go through again. However, it is a year I will forever remember for all the hardship and growth out of things going very wrong.

I turn 20 today- it does not seem real and although it is my birthday, it doesn't quite feel like it. I used to think that turning 20 was a lot, and even though it really isn't old, it feels old to me. It really goes to show how everything is all about perspective because in the grand scheme of things, I am still very young.

2020 has definitely thrown a lot of new situations at everyone that we did not expect to experience. It might mean that plans we originally had have gone out the window. I have had various realisations recently - all of which are not what I originally had in mind. It has been a little scary because I am going against the norm, or a case of this just is not the circumstances I would thought I would be in. But, I know that I am not the only one and that COVID-19 has changed things for everyone. Whilst we are isolated, we do have a common hardship we are all going through- a very rapidly changing world and environment.

Crying. It is something we all do. It can be from happiness, relief, sadness, stress. Yet there seems to be such a stigma around what for me shows the most human side in us. I always think of crying as the body’s way of expressing a feeling when you simply cannot put it into words. But, especially when it is out of sadness/ being overwhelmed, crying becomes something that often makes people uncomfortable. Something to avoid at all costs.

Butterfly, white heart, blue swirl and flowers in the corners surrounding calligraphy text reading slowing down

With the announcement of a second lockdown in many countries, it is safe to say that there are a lot of things going through everyone’s minds. At the moment, it is so easy to get caught up in everything and feel like we’re constantly on go - constantly worrying. That everything is just too fast and we can’t keep up. Lockdown is challenging enough and we are all in different circumstances fighting our own battles. Switching off can be difficult and somehow I still feel the same amount of pressure to carry on as if everything is normal when it really isn’t.

Bullet journaling was admittedly something I first heard about through the internet, especially when it became more of a craze and popular thing. I had no idea what it was beforehand. For those who may not be aware, bullet journaling is a method of personal organisation all in one notebook and something you can put as much or as little effort in as you like. It is a way of organising everything in your life - that can be from books you want to read, to deadlines. I was initially unsure whether it was something I could incorporate into my life as one Google will show you so much. It can be quite daunting and seem very impractical as you often get very pretty and time-consuming spreads. In the last year or so, however, it has become one of my favourite ways of organising myself. I have loved how adaptable and useful it has become for me and I wanted to share why I think this is something anyone can incorporate in their lifestyle - how it can allow you to feel more put together.

Paint lines and palm tree leaves with calligraphy text reading switching off

Most people who know me well, know that I tend to overthink everything. I don’t think that overthinking is necessarily always a bad thing- sometimes it can allow you to be more reflective. However, it can mean that it is difficult to switch off, especially if this is something you find yourself doing a lot.

Speech bubbles against a nude brown background with circle patterns in the corners

Talking to yourself often seems to be presented as a sign of you losing it. Whether that is my case and there is still time to save me, I don’t know. But, jokes aside. Voicing my thoughts out loud has actually really helped me. I did some googling and I’m not the only one- there are plenty of people who find talking to themselves helpful with a common theme of not doing so in public to avoid embarrassment. I did some research and it turns out psychology does back me and it is beneficial (so long as you are treating yourself with respect).

Outline of a female body with a pastel pink background

I have been carrying a lot of stress and baggage for a long time. 2020 has been an incredibly difficult year and it definitely is not getting any easier. I reached a breaking point yesterday. It resulted in a meltdown and some wake up calls that I wanted to share.

Pastel blue background and light brown circles along with light green palm leaves

I’m always on the lookout for signs that I need to take a break or pause. Spotting the warning signs early on can be so beneficial and avoid burnout or feeling very overwhelmed afterwards. Over the years, these are the signs I’ve spotted in my case that indicate that things are not okay, or at least not the way they should be and I need to take time for myself. Signs will look slightly different for everyone, but if you resonate with any of these, first of all, I am sending you virtual hugs and secondly, please take time to look after yourself. You matter - don’t be afraid to reach out if you need support.

Pink flower and a red flower, dots and polka dots in the background

I am one of those people that typically tends to want to sort things out myself. I think it can be good to try and find your way out of your own issues- or at least be proactive in solving your own problems. But, this doesn't and should not mean that you have to always do this by yourself. I can recognise that when it comes to my personal life, I don't like asking for help as I find it difficult to reach out. This is something I am still working on, but am hoping I can change. I hope that this blog post serves as a reminder that it is OK and healthy to ask for help, regardless of how big or small you think it might be.

Phone and laptop- social media icons for snapchat, whatsapp, facebook, instagram, youtube and twitter

Social media is a powerful tool. It is a pretty big part of blogging for me as it allows me to share my work with more people. Connect with others. I do think social media can be used positively. Used positively, social media can contribute to good vibes and be uplifting. However, I have always had a love-hate relationship with it because whilst it can be used positively, it is really easy to fall down a rabbit hole and suddenly, it is not so good for mental health.

Graduation hat, typewriter, paint and music notes over a pastel pink background.

COVID-19 has impacted everyone in some way and as a law student, I’ve been no exception and my life has definitely changed. Whilst I found isolation and lockdown changes hard, lockdown did teach me various life lessons, such as slowing down.

Collage of nature photos - including lilac flowers, grass blowing in the wind.

My blogging journey started sharing my photography. I found I had various photos which I wanted to share, but did not necessarily fit on my personal Instagram or on other social media. I wanted a place to be able share my love for photography with everyone, as well as experiment with my camera- that is how Esterella’s Photos came about. Yet, I realise that on this blog, I have not promoted my photography all that much. I am not sure if that is because I have always seen my photography as a hobby and I am not professional photographer. However, I do photograph a lot of moments, whether that be on my phone or camera. Anything I see that I think looks pretty will end up on my camera roll. Since how I got into blogging was through wanting to share those photos that capture the beauty in nature and in the ordinary, it is only right, there is at least one blog post about my photography journey.

I have written about friendships, and being okay by yourself, but realise I have never touched being single and happy. Over the last year, I’ve thought a fair amount about being single. Something about moving to university with the pressure and expectation that I am meant to find the love of my life at this point in my life has me thinking a lot about relationships.

In September of 2019, I moved out for the first time for university. I know a lot of people say it, but moving out has taught me a lot, especially about myself. It’s safe to say that I’ve grown a lot in a very short space of time - the person I was when I first moved out and the person I am now is different. I’ve genuinely learnt things about myself that I otherwise wouldn’t have learnt. Moving out changed me by teaching me important life lessons. If you are moving out for the first time, it will most likely change you too.

I have recently become a lot more aware of what causes me to feel lonely - for me, I have found it is that I have been in a lot of one-sided friendships and trying to give a lot of myself to others without it being reciprocal. This lack of balance leaves me feeling like no one really cares when I am going through a difficult moment. Reaching out to people generally on a frequent basis and not getting that back when I am struggling makes me feel lonely. I think it is very useful to identify exactly what makes you feel lonely. Is it that you feel that saying you are fine when asked how you are is easier than answering honestly? You might not necessarily identify the exact reason right away - I certainly did not - it is only recently that I have been able to place my finger on what has led me to feel lonely.

I have been slim for as long as I can remember. Not intentionally. I think it is something genetic. But, knowing the struggles of particularly girls wanting to lose weight to fit into this "ideal" society supposedly tells us sometimes makes me feel guilty. Guilty because I know so many other girls would wish to be in my shoes and honestly, I hate that having a skinny body is used as the ideal body to aspire to regardless of whether it is actually healthy for you. I dislike that losing weight is always considered an achievement and that so many girls struggle with body confidence issues. It makes me sad that most people view me as lucky because I am naturally slim and have a fast metabolism when that is just because society said it is what beauty is.

I have found this year and generally this academic year difficult for multiple reasons- a lot in my life changed quite quickly and I was forced to adapt to changes (some not so nice or ideal in a short space of time). As a result, I have been reflecting more on what being strong means to me. I think it can generally be quite easy to have this idea that being strong means never feeling weak, or never feeling like a mess and always feeling like you have everything under control. This year more than ever has taught me that is definitely not the case (or at least that is not the way I interpret it). I want to talk about in this post how this year has redefined my idea of what I feel strength is.

graphic of letter and notebook and pen with grades

As a University student, I have had my fair share of results days and still have quite a few to come 😅. Getting back results is something I don’t like (usually because I am pretty harsh on myself and set really high expectations for myself). I also find it stressful. But, I wanted to generally speak about exam results because I know it’s something that all students can relate to and most of us dread.

Pastel pink with palm tree leaf, red heart with a brain graphic

I would just like to start by saying that there is no magic answer to helping someone with their mental health. There is no one right way of approaching this as every single person is different. What might work well for one person may not work as well with someone else. Figuring out what each person finds most helpful/ what could be triggering is a learning process and you will sometimes get it wrong and make mistakes. Also, I am not a doctor and in these cases, it is important to seek the help of an expert and not try and handle helping a person struggling with mental health by yourself - the help you can offer to someone as a friend or loved one will always be limited as it is not your area of expertise. The advice I am giving here is based on my own personal experience helping others. This is not a replacement for professional help. I hope someone else will find it useful, but please do not treat it as the only way to approach the situation. Furthermore, this post does not include and will not include any personal details and is purely written from my experience of the perspective of helping another person seriously struggling with mental health and wellbeing.

This is a little of an update on my post on growing your self-confidence (this link opens in a new tab)- this will make more sense if you read that post first. Whilst I have come a long way from my 14-year-old insecure self, I think that self-confidence is often presented as a result, rather than the ongoing journey it is and so I wanted to compile some more thoughts from my original post.

Hand in heart graphic with dotted design on the top and bottom

Like most people, I feel I have had my fair share of coming across unkind people. Individuals that want to tear you down. It is inevitable - not everyone will like you and some people choose to consciously make or try and make others feel small. Over the years, I have found different ways of approaching and dealing with it and I am going to share what has helped me the most. This post is in relation to my previous post on bullying and are some of the things I incorporated into my life to deal with it better.

Bullying- something I realised I've experienced, but haven’t spoken about on here. I wanted to create a post with hope that maybe it can help someone else or can be relatable. I hope that to those that can relate that this brings comfort that you are not alone.

Being too sensitive - graphic- pale yellow with hearts

I like to think I am a person that isn’t bothered by things, that can always move on. But, I can admit it’s often small gestures that I grow to really appreciate in people. The absence of this can sometimes upset me, or even sometimes little things, seemingly insignificant to others can annoy me. I guess we all have certain things that can bother us. This can sometimes lead to being labelled as “too sensitive”. I have found that often this involves negative connotations- the why can’t she control her emotions or why is she even getting upset? However, in my opinion, this doesn’t have to and shouldn’t necessarily be the case.

the pressure of always doing more - lilac graphic with sparkles

I’m definitely guilty of being one of those people who feel like they constantly have to be doing something. I have to be working towards something and doing nothing usually makes me feel guilty - guilty that I should be doing more or working towards something.

Thoughts on growing up- graphic of growing plants and flowers

I used to see growing up as just getting older- little (and by little I mean when I was a child) me did not see it as anything else. It was just the excitement of being able to do more. Now as an older individual, I see that growing up is so much more than getting older: it is change; in your identity, in your life, discovering new things. Sometimes it is pain in order to learn. It is getting lost and finding your way again.

Not retaliating - graphic - pale pink with paint splatters

I have many a time in the past heard comments about me behind my back or seen things said about me on social media- recently I saw some tweets about me. I had 2 options- to reply back or to ignore it and carry on with my life. I chose to move on and carry on. Why? Because there’s a real power in not retaliating and just walking away sometimes. Realising that there are some battles that aren’t worth the time.

Why I stopped waiting for the perfect moment - graphic - green with patterned dots

I think there’s a real tendency in society to put things off until we feel ‘ready’ or until there’s a better moment. I was recently thinking about moments I’ve really enjoyed or something I was proud of myself for and found that in most of these cases I didn’t feel as ‘ready’ as I thought I would, but I went ahead and did it anyway. That either allowed for self-growth or just for spontaneous moments that make life fun.

Finding your own voice- graphic containing a microphone and speech bubble

Finding my own voice and realising what I stand for was something that took me a while and I think is always an ongoing process. Writing this blog in many ways has helped me find my voice and has given me a platform to share things that are important to me. Learning to utilise it and discovering what I believed in has been one of the biggest things in boosting my confidence and self-esteem, which at one point in my life was very low. Hopefully, this can help someone on their journey to discover their own voice.

I’ve always been someone that likes to keep lots of small which to everyone else is insignificant things that remind me of certain events, like for example tickets from planes, trains, an event I went to that I really enjoyed or really meant something to me. They help form really nice memories, but collecting small ‘memories’ as I call it becomes a bit of a problem when you end up with lots of tickets and items and nowhere to put them. This is why I turned to scrapbooking. In this post, I hope to give you some ideas of what you could include in your scrapbook and create a book that can be a beautiful hub of your memories.

Minimalist lifestyle graphic - pink flowers

Before I start writing the rest of this post, I just want to say that don't disagree with all aspects of minimalism - there are values to it which I think are positive. Also, I respect the way everyone chooses to live their life. For anyone that might not be aware of the concept, although I am sure you have probably heard it before: a minimalist lifestyle is having only what you need (both materially and can also be applied mentally). There are definitely benefits to it, but it is not for everyone.

This is a lifestyle which people have claimed ‘changes you for the better’, ‘transforms’ you. But, too often we ignore that this lifestyle takes commitment and that not everyone’s personality fits into this- this will not "transform" and destress your life suddenly and may not even be right for you. In fact trying to follow it can sometimes be more stressful. Happiness isn't correlated directly to this style of living - there are many external factors that influence how happy you are. As you can probably imagine from the title of this post, I’m one of the people that doesn’t quite fit into this minimalist style of living. In this post, I wanted to explore why and explain why it’s okay if you too don’t identify with this lifestyle and shakedown this pressure of either being very consumeristic and buying lots just because it is "trendy" or trying to downsize ridiculously in order to achieve zen.

I do want to make sure that my content is varied so not everything will be in relation to this pandemic, but as something that we are all affected by at the moment, I also want to be creating content that feels relevant. Relatable content that may bring some sort of comfort during what is a difficult time.

Being in isolation is definitely challenging - as a person who sees myself as an ambivert (both an introvert and extrovert) not being able to surround myself with people, especially friends has not been something I have found easy. But, being at home more and the world having pretty much stopped has given me more time to think - to reflect, to pause. Here are some of the thoughts and things I would say I have learnt.

Changing a toxic mindset graphic with palm tree prints, speech bubbles and hearts

I have a lot of time to think and reflect recently. That has made me much more aware of my inner dialogue. It has also made me aware of some thoughts I sometimes catch myself having that I need to change. This is not an exhaustive list- these are just some of the things that I have found I have told myself (over the years and generally) and isn't helpful. Some I have already changed my outlook to- others are still a working progress.

Salmon pink graphic with hearts, dots and line patterns.

Helping others and looking after yourself can be a very fine balance. It can be very easy to get caught up in someone else's battle so much that you neglect how you feel and forget that it has become part of your own. So I'm writing this based on my own experience hoping it might help someone else. Of course, this depends on just how much the person you are helping is struggling and can vary depending on the seriousness of the situation.

Graphic with ovals and red, blue, green and yellow stars

Feeling like you aren't making the most of life? I have had this feeling recently, especially where I have had lots happening, which has meant that I have felt I can't make the most of everything. This has surprisingly come almost with a feeling of guilt so I am here to rationalise it. Hopefully, it will be helpful to someone else that may have had or is going through a similar experience.

Graphic of a coffee, notebook and pen and laptop

It is no secret that things aren't the easiest at the moment (one look at the news along with whatever you may have going on in your personal life is enough to realise that). It can be really easy to lose hope or feel stuck. I am not going to state that we are currently in an ideal situation - we aren't. But, at the moment, perspective and the way we choose to see things is so important and can massively change the way we feel.

Recognising manipulation graphic with pink flowers

There are times when it is obvious that someone is trying to control you. Other times, it is more subtle. It can be disguised as someone being “nice” or just “trying to be kind”. It is so easy in these circumstances to feel guilty and feel like you are falling down a rabbit hole, but can’t stop it. I am going to specifically focus on the more subtle way of manipulation - where it is disguised as “kindness”.

One of the feelings I have typically found the hardest to cope with are those of guilt. When you feel awful you have hurt someone (unintentionally) or made a bad decision. But, over the years I have learnt to better cope with it and accept the fact that we all make mistakes.

Graphic of letters with a polka dot and hearts pattern.

Just because life is sometimes not so glamorous. It is adapted a little from a letter I wrote to myself. Couldn't post at the time because it was too recent, but it's here now with the hope that it might provide some comfort to someone who needs it.

Fantasy graphic of a dolphin coming out of a water bottle with stars in the background

It is so easy to bottle everything up and not share something. Because it can be so much easier to answer I'm fine when asked how you are doing rather than actually explain why you might not feel so good. I've been there and I am sure others have too - where you don't want to explain how you feel because opening up can be scary and you are not quite sure how people will take it. However, if there is something I have learnt from life, it is that sharing how you feel and your problems is so important and if this can encourage or help one person open up then I'll be happy. Below I try and tackle the obstacles that can make you feel nervous about talking to others when life is a little difficult and the reasons why you can still share how you feel and why it is so essential.

Burgundy red graphic with sprinkles and flowers

I guess this is a little late considering we’re already halfway through February. I’ve never done a month in review. But, January was a difficult month for me and so I wanted to document some of the things I’ve learnt this month, as it is when you go through difficult moments that you learn and you grow as a person. These are things I can hopefully take forward for the rest of this year.

Being present and able to take things in is so valuable. But, in a world with social media and technology, it has become so easy to be there physically, but not mentally. Below are some things I like to do to ground myself a little and make sure I’m living a real life- to make sure I am 'living in the moment'.

Marble graphic with flowers and a streak of gold paint

I have often thought about how skilled someone is or clever someone is, and recently thought about how a lot of the time it can be really easy to get carried away thinking how amazing other people are and forget how incredible you are too - that you are valued. So this post is on recognising your worth too.

Pastel pink graphic with polka dots and flowers

Feeling like an emotional sponge - I have been there too. Where it feels like you're always listening to others problems so much, you're engulfed by them. Almost like other's problems have become another problem to add to your own. I am writing this as a little self-care reminder, for myself and for anyone who needs to hear it. Because it can be really easy to get dragged into other people's issues when you are just trying to be a good friend and not even realise just how much of an impact those people and your surroundings are having on you. It can be hard to distinguish when it is important for you step away and when you need to be there for someone because they require support.

Pink graphic with triangle pattern and hearts

Now I'll be honest writing about this does make me feel a little nervous - partly because it is a taboo subject in society and I don't want to make anybody feel uncomfortable- in fact, I hope that this will have the opposite effect and maybe encourage you to think about it in a different way. But, the fact conversations like these are usually avoided is exactly why it needs to be spoken about more - to normalise it. So I am writing about my take on it, which is much more about loving your body and being healthy rather weighing a particular number of KG.

Pastel yellow graphic with circle pattern

I think it's fair to say we all go through those moments where we feel we are all over the place and don’t feel like we have anything in control. With this, rather than how much control you have over the situation, it is much more about how you feel about the situation. A lot of feeling like you are a mess is how you perceive yourself and your surroundings - or that is what I have found anyway. Here are some of the things that have helped me feel a little bit more put together when I really was not feeling it.

I like to think I’m a person that doesn’t care what other people think and isn’t affected by it - whilst I have definitely got better with time at not focussing on what other people think, I can’t say I'm immune to what others say. I have underestimated before the impact that side comments can have over time. At first, you can shake them off, but if you hear them enough times you do begin to believe it. Realising that is what has led me to notice how important your surroundings are and just how much of an impact they can have on you. Here is what I have done or found works to keep your environment positive and "protect your energy and vibe".

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