The first time I think I heard about anxiety was in secondary school and I did not really understand what it meant. I did not really understand the difference between struggling with anxiety and simply feeling nervous and to me they seemed like the same thing. I never really gave it any real thought because I never thought it was something I needed to think about and there were so many misconceptions around it anyway that I simply ignored it.
It has been a while since I consistently blogged. I spent more than a year uploading every single Sunday of every week (with a few exceptions here and there), but somewhere along the lines, things got hard and I felt a bit lost. I stopped doing as much of what I loved. Even at points where I wanted to blog, I did not really know what to say.
Over various points, I have thought about what influences how well you can do in something and what you can achieve. I was thinking more particularly about all those moments where it all seems undoable and you want to give up on what you are working towards. The really hard points where you can lose the reason why you started in the first place and it all feels uphill. The defining moments where if you choose to carry on, it could be the difference between you achieving something or not achieving it.

I am not really sure what to make of 2021. This year honestly felt like the second part of 2020 and was hard. My 2021 was two halves. The first half was restrictions - lockdowns and very few places open. It was this half, where I almost lost all sense of myself, being mainly in my room. Then there was the second half, where things started opening up again and I was able to feel a little more like myself being able to get involved in more. Either way, 2021 taught me a lot.
If you are reading this, then it means I found the courage to upload this post to my blog instead of it sitting in my drafts or in a word document. When I first started supporting people I care about with their mental health, I never imagined I might one day find myself in this situation. To be honest, I am terrified of ever sharing this, but I don’t know who might need to read this.
Over the last few months, I have realised that I have felt invalidated in various ways. So much so that at points I completely stopped even considering how I feel. Sometimes when I have felt invalidated it is due to other people's actions (ignoring how I may feel or completely disregarding it) and sometimes my own choices (such as not considering how I am in given moments). Or a combination of both. However, regardless of whatever invalidation you have faced, what you have to say matters. What you experience is real and no one is in a position to tell you what your lived experience is.

I have noticed that it is not very common for me to feel completely happy with what I achieve. That there always seems to be one thing that I demand better of myself in. Whilst striving for better is always something good, there comes a point where you also have to recognise and acknowledge what you have got. Be proud of yourself for what you have achieved even if the result was not entirely what you were aiming for.
I’d never had therapy before this year. In hindsight, therapy is something 14-year-old me should have done. But, I was too embarrassed about it and the thought of asking for help filled me with absolute dread. So I always pretended to feel okay when I wasn't and managed to avoid ever going. I was able to get out of the difficult period by myself, but I know I could have done with some support. Fast forward to now, and I no longer feel embarrassed about the prospect of going to therapy or being in therapy, but taking the steps were still daunting. I am writing this post to reassure someone who is nervous about seeking therapy, remind you that you are not alone and normalise being in therapy; therapy is no different to going to the doctor when you feel physically ill.
How many times have you automatically answered "I am okay" to the question how are you? Without even thinking. Without properly taking a moment to pause and question whether you really feel okay. Or openly admitting that recently you may not have been feeling yourself. It has always been obvious to me that we avoid talking about mental health and difficult conversations as to how we really feel, but I suppose never as much as now. Coronavirus has isolated us a lot and made it so much easier to lie, especially because a lot of our communication is now through a screen. It is so easy to type the words "I am fine" on your phone whilst actually crying your eyes out.
Sometimes we keep going mindlessly. So much to the point where it all becomes monotonous and we are not sure why we started in the first place. We forget our why and what the original goal of everything was. That happened to me recently. I was just getting things done for the sake of getting them done- I did not see the point, it was just something that needed doing. I needed a reset. A way to start fresh.
It is Valentine's day today. I have seen a fair amount of posts surrounding Valentine's day and the typical how to find the perfect gifts etc. But before you can be happy in any relationship, you have to know how to love yourself. That is why I wanted to talk a little bit about self-love this Valentine's day. It feels somewhat cringey and unoriginal talking about this, but I think it is an important one.
As we are trapped in another lockdown and coronavirus seems to be dragging on for what feels like forever, it can be easy to feel like you are missing out. I know the thought definitely sometimes comes to mind for me. I sometimes can't help but feel like I am missing out on a university experience and being young at the moment - living life to the fullest as such. It is okay to feel sad about lost experiences, and only natural. However, if this is your only focus, it can get you into a rut and thinking about it like this constantly is not a good way to look at it.
I was recently thinking about what to write. Overthinking it and especially aware of the fact that I’m just a 20 year old girl studying law. What I write about and share on this blog isn’t an area I can say I am an expert in. I’m not a psychologist or a psychiatrist. What I know about psychology is purely out of interest and there’s still so much I need to learn. I’m simply sharing my life experiences and things that have helped me. Words that I think others need to hear too. I wondered what someone like me can possibly have to add. What I say in my blog posts isn’t necessarily groundbreaking. It may even be things you already know. That got me thinking about value. About how everyone has a voice and adds value in some way and how the way I was thinking about it was wrong. Sure, what I say might not be something you’ve never heard before but it’s based on my unique life experiences. They are words that can be comforting to others. Words that although not necessarily completely new, words people may need to hear.
It is no secret from my blog that 2020 was an incredibly difficult year for me. With the start of a new year and 2021 coming up, in my current circumstances, the idea of a fresh start rings truer than it has ever done before. I am not a fan of the whole new year, new you because I don’t believe that a new year necessarily means drastic change - I believe in taking things step by step rather than expecting a transformation out of the blue. But, the opportunity to start fresh (especially around new year) has always appealed to me and even more so this year.
I turn 20 today - it does not seem real and although it is my birthday, it doesn't quite feel like it. I used to think that turning 20 was a lot, and even though it really isn't old, it feels old to me. It really goes to show how everything is all about perspective because, in the grand scheme of things, I am still very young.
2020 has definitely thrown a lot of new situations at everyone that we did not expect to experience. It might mean that plans we originally had have gone out the window. I have had various realisations recently - all of which are not what I originally had in mind. It has been a little scary because I am going against the norm, or a case of this just is not the circumstances I would thought I would be in. But, I know that I am not the only one and that COVID-19 has changed things for everyone. Whilst we are isolated, we do have a common hardship we are all going through- a very rapidly changing world and environment.
With the announcement of a second lockdown in many countries, it is safe to say that there are a lot of things going through everyone’s minds. At the moment, it is so easy to get caught up in everything and feel like we’re constantly on go - constantly worrying. That everything is just too fast and we can’t keep up. Lockdown is challenging enough and we are all in different circumstances fighting our own battles. Switching off can be difficult and somehow I still feel the same amount of pressure to carry on as if everything is normal when it really isn’t.
Bullet journaling was admittedly something I first heard about through the internet, especially when it became more of a craze and popular thing. I had no idea what it was beforehand. For those who may not be aware, bullet journaling is a method of personal organisation all in one notebook and something you can put as much or as little effort in as you like. It is a way of organising everything in your life - that can be from books you want to read, to deadlines. I was initially unsure whether it was something I could incorporate into my life. One Google of bullet journals will show you works of art and very intricate designs. It can be quite daunting and seem very impractical as you often get very pretty and time-consuming spreads. In the last year or so, however, it has become one of my favourite ways of organising myself. I have loved how adaptable and useful it has become for me and I wanted to share why I think this is something anyone can incorporate in their lifestyle - how it can allow you to feel more put together.